I used..

i used to be the girl who cared about everything going on around her but i guess as time went on the reality of the world got to her. i dont know how i got to this point where im looking around and wondering how i got here but here i am doing just that. trying not show my feelings because feelings are what got me in this stupid mess to begin with. i hate the way im starting to view myself and the only person who can help me change that view of myself is that one that makes me see myself as that. I wonder what would have happened if things went about differently but at the same time i dont i love myself i know exactly who i am its just this view of myself that kills me. So listen here dont let anyone change the view you have on yourself...your beautiful and wonderful and amazing just as you are and if someone doesnt love you or says something thats different from what you see let them say it because it doesnt matter as long as your happy with the way things are thats all that matters. so smile and be happy because someone somewhere loves you and always will.

Lesson number 9.

For the times of hardship...

For the times in life when you think suffering can be unbearable, for the times when you wonder why is there such anguish in the world, I want you to remember that whether you believe in God or not…pain has a purpose. And as exquisitely demented as this may sound, it’s a good thing. Pain and suffering are gifts. Because feelings however bad they are, are just those: feelings, intense sensations, reactions, outlooks or perceptions, which we as living things are lucky to feel. The truth is pain is a part of life. When at times the hurting can feel unbearable, I think of worlds where our feelings might be suppressed. Worlds like those written in science fiction novels where everyone is doomed to “sameness” and knowledge is considered a treacherous gift. A world, for instance, where we feel the need to drug our children to prevent feelings of love and sexuality, or “Stirrings”, as they are called in “The Giver”. A world where we resort to brainwashing each other to drug up with “Soma” to stimulate pleasure without emotion, promoting a false copasetic lifestyle, like in Huxley’s “Brave New World”. Worlds like these don’t have the luxury of any emotion, let alone pain. The truth is, pain, however painful, is a freedom. It is an sensation that allows us to be liberated and remain individuals. Without pain we begin to become robotic and lose all hopes at individuality. Pain is a tool and if used in the right way it can better us if we are willing to learn from it and appreciate its beauty.

so last night....

im sitting there talking to my uncle about this guy and wouldnt you know the guy gave me some great advice. He told me that the guy probably doesnt feel like he says he feels because if that were the case nothing would stop him from being with me and that if he cant see that what he says and does hurts me then i need to move on and i used to think well damn how hard is it to move on well now i get it. the day your feelings become deep is the day there is no turning back youre stuck feeling that way and no matter what he says or what he does you will always make excuses for him. So back to this moving on concept so im seeing how hes moved on but my stupid heart keeps telling me dont do that dont do something stupid youve done something without thinking it through before and look how that turned out do you seriously want to do that again. So in a matter of the head vs heart who wins?? and which side should you take? or should you just stand on the sidelines? how will you make the right move?