perfect...

last night i was told by a best friend that i always try to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend, the perfect person and that im afraid of disappointing people and since i know myself very well i knew this but when she said it it made me realize that its not a good thing. you cant be always perfect. sometimes you have to disappoint people. sometimes you have to be yourself and put yourself first. but what happens when youve never put yourself first and you never thought you should. i dont want to but when your friends start to worry about you and start telling you that its unhealthy do you listen to them or do you keep going down the path your going on. i mean i know i dont look perfect and i guess thats why i feel the need to act perfect.... have you ever felt the need to be perfect? to make everyone happy? how do you get over doing something youve done your entire life? is it destructive or just not right for yourself?

Vulnerablity....

sometimes i dont get how vulnerable people can be even if they dont open up that much. or even how subconscious the most beautiful girl can be. i honestly dont get it. so one person doesnt see you as beautiful or gorgeous or whatever does it really matter. i mean i know peoples opinions matter but should they matter THAT much. i think everyone is beautiful if not on the outside then on the inside and i think guys should be more sensitive to the fact that girls care more about what you say then you think they do. We over analyze everything that you do, say, and possibly what your thinking. im guilty of it and also of being overly conscious about my body it happens we all have days like that....i guess when you start to grow up though you begin to trust those around you the ones that see the real you and that little girl in the back of your mind finally shuts up. i just wish i realized this when i was younger because it would have saved me and my friends some hard times. girls realize who you are and love it because you are one in a million dont give in a become some carbon copy of someone that probably will be copied so many times no one will remember the real person she was.

to the past year...and to finally being 21 :)

so i havent posted in awhile on here and i dont really know a good post. All i can think of to say is how in the past year many things have changed. the people in my life, the people im close with, the people i tell everything to, my family, and even myself. i think what has changed the most is the people i now surround myself with, the people who know everything about me, the people i would be there for no matter what. i remember last year thinking these people mean more to me then i could ever imagine and yes some of those people are still in my life and i still feel the same about them but then there are the new people in my life who could just look at me and make my stressful life go away. i will always have a special place in my heart for each of my friends but now some of those places have gotten smaller while others have grown quite a bit and i realize that no matter how much you try things and people will change. i dont regret changing and getting older it happens and i dont wish anyone to stay the same i just realize that people grow apart when they grow up and you cant stop them. so this is to every best friend, friend, family member, and loved one in my life. i love you and who you are and i know if i mean anything to you you dont care that ive grown up too. your all amazing in each of your unique ways and i will be there for you forever.

Do you have diet life?

Compromise. Sacrifice. Settlements. Why is it we come across these words? In life, we are told that by never settling we will eventually come across what we want, but thats not reality is it? No, its more of some dream we all hope to achieve but never will. Because in reality, life is a compromise, right? In fact life is a series of compromises, getting one thing we desire while sacrificing another. I like to call it the Diet of Life, because that's what it reminds me of. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just an observation. If work is a size 2, and fun is a chocolate cake, you have to decide how much cake you are willing to sacrifice to fit into those jeans. After all the hard work and sleepless nights, can we ever really have our cake and it it too? No. Sure there are people in the world with the "fast metabolism" but most of us aren't the exception, most of us are the rule. In life, we need to learn to take what we get and be grateful for it. Sure it's important to not stop dreaming or believing, but it is equally important to stay grounded with a bit of reality. I think The Rolling Stones grasp what i mean best with their lyric, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you find you get what you need." So keep up the dedication, but remember that life isn't a fairy tale and without those little mistakes and compromises, well we aren't really living are we?

I wonder...

I don't get how people can absolutely love you one day and then completely hate you the next. You can be complete friends with the person for years and they disregard it just because they see something one way and don't care if thats not the way it is at all. I will always be there for the people who are in my life esp the ones that i know will always be there for me. But i don't think ill ever be able to fully trust them again. Everything you say i hear about and it hurts but if thats how you feel i cant change it. you cant control everyones lives and you will never be able to control mine. i will do what i want and be with whoever i want. And they will do the same. no matter how much you've hurt me i have never done anything to hurt you like this. so i will from now on let it be. I always thought that you would be in my life forever. I always saw you in my life but i guess i was wrong and read you wrong. You can be such a great person but its only on your terms and im sick of it plus you dont put effort into anything anyway either. We were just too different and i guess that will never change. I will always remember the times we had together and they were amazing but i guess it was doomed from the start. I will always love you and if things change then they do but as of right now im sick of taking the blame for everything this time its your turn.

Judgement.

So my friends and I were Chat-Rouletting the other day when a thought occurred to me: Why is it we care so much what people think? Here I am talking to a total stranger, someone who I will more than likely never see again, trying to impress them. Who are they that they deserve such effort? Judgement is a very temperamental subject. No one wants to be judged yet we all do the judging. If a person is truly secure in who they are, why should it matter that someone thinks poorly of them? And here's where I get confused; if everybody judges and everyone hates being judged, then is anyone fully happy with themselves? Is it too Utopian to believe that one day I will love myself for who I am and not care what people think? Because lets face it... even those that say they don't care, still get affected by judgement. Perhaps the beginning to not caring what people think is to not think so poorly of them in the first place. When we love others for who they are, then I believe we can love ourselves.

I used..

i used to be the girl who cared about everything going on around her but i guess as time went on the reality of the world got to her. i dont know how i got to this point where im looking around and wondering how i got here but here i am doing just that. trying not show my feelings because feelings are what got me in this stupid mess to begin with. i hate the way im starting to view myself and the only person who can help me change that view of myself is that one that makes me see myself as that. I wonder what would have happened if things went about differently but at the same time i dont i love myself i know exactly who i am its just this view of myself that kills me. So listen here dont let anyone change the view you have on yourself...your beautiful and wonderful and amazing just as you are and if someone doesnt love you or says something thats different from what you see let them say it because it doesnt matter as long as your happy with the way things are thats all that matters. so smile and be happy because someone somewhere loves you and always will.

Lesson number 9.

For the times of hardship...

For the times in life when you think suffering can be unbearable, for the times when you wonder why is there such anguish in the world, I want you to remember that whether you believe in God or not…pain has a purpose. And as exquisitely demented as this may sound, it’s a good thing. Pain and suffering are gifts. Because feelings however bad they are, are just those: feelings, intense sensations, reactions, outlooks or perceptions, which we as living things are lucky to feel. The truth is pain is a part of life. When at times the hurting can feel unbearable, I think of worlds where our feelings might be suppressed. Worlds like those written in science fiction novels where everyone is doomed to “sameness” and knowledge is considered a treacherous gift. A world, for instance, where we feel the need to drug our children to prevent feelings of love and sexuality, or “Stirrings”, as they are called in “The Giver”. A world where we resort to brainwashing each other to drug up with “Soma” to stimulate pleasure without emotion, promoting a false copasetic lifestyle, like in Huxley’s “Brave New World”. Worlds like these don’t have the luxury of any emotion, let alone pain. The truth is, pain, however painful, is a freedom. It is an sensation that allows us to be liberated and remain individuals. Without pain we begin to become robotic and lose all hopes at individuality. Pain is a tool and if used in the right way it can better us if we are willing to learn from it and appreciate its beauty.

so last night....

im sitting there talking to my uncle about this guy and wouldnt you know the guy gave me some great advice. He told me that the guy probably doesnt feel like he says he feels because if that were the case nothing would stop him from being with me and that if he cant see that what he says and does hurts me then i need to move on and i used to think well damn how hard is it to move on well now i get it. the day your feelings become deep is the day there is no turning back youre stuck feeling that way and no matter what he says or what he does you will always make excuses for him. So back to this moving on concept so im seeing how hes moved on but my stupid heart keeps telling me dont do that dont do something stupid youve done something without thinking it through before and look how that turned out do you seriously want to do that again. So in a matter of the head vs heart who wins?? and which side should you take? or should you just stand on the sidelines? how will you make the right move?

What's SEX got to do with it?

SEX.

three little letters...ONE BIG ASS COMPLICATION.

What is the obsession with sex? Having it or not, it seems to be a huge deal that changes relationships. And i'm not just talking about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but all relationships: friendships, siblings , parents. The truth is after one has done the deed they are not looked at in the same way, because "they are not the same person."

But what started this hazy belief that after one has had sex that they are not the same, because honestly i dont understand how one thing entering the body for an extremely less than permanent amount of time can really make that much of a change.

The truth is Sex is Sex. plain and simple. its a pleasurable deed which can be used for procreation. And the only thing that changes you about sex is emotion and expectations. (Brings new meaning to the term "mindfucked")

Talking to friends I find the ones who lost there virginity to someone they felt would be in their lives forever are the ones who regret it. Because they had hopes that sex would mean something, when in fact it is just an act.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying sex should be treated like some animal act, although that is what it indeed is. We are human and should learn to control our urges, otherwise we should just forfeit our minds and ability to contemplate and such. But if we could learn to separate the act of sex and the emotion that often comes with it, I think the hype of sex would no longer be existent. (and the world would have a lot less shows about teen pregnancy aha)

Wow times fly when your having fun

so you see him in the halls and get butterflies right? well im telling you he probably has no clue he has this effect on you. the only way i can think of you getting what you want is telling him. telling him everything. the way he makes you feel. i know its scary but lifes scary and in the end it will be worth it. because A) you either find out what a douche he really is or B) you will find that your friendship wont be hurt because he cares enough about you to not make it awkward or C) youll find out he feels the same. i know all of these choices sounds terrifying but believe me its better then sitting there weeks months and maybe even years wondering "what if" because "what if" is never worth it. so take control over your own life girls (guys too) because why let destiny define everything in your life somethings you should own and be glad you did.

Lesson number 8.

i know i cant take my own advice...but hear me out.

you are good enough for whoever you want.

its just how much you want them...the more you want it the more you should reach for it.

its worth it no matter how it turns out...

either youll learn a lesson or fall forever.

Dont be passive when it comes to your own life.

Lesson number 7.

So things may not always go as you want them. But its important to know that anything can be overcome. Maybe if the world were more honest with each other we would learn to trust our feelings more. Maybe if we shared our thoughts and without fear opened our hearts and minds to others the truth would seem a lot less intimidating. Its time to stop the fear of truth and speak your mind, its a beautiful thing and to muffle anything it creates is not only a travesty on you but the world itself for never hearing your insight.

Believe what you feel and never feel sorry for feeling it because there will be someone who is better because it, who knows that person might actually be you...

the truth may hurt...but it also heals.

Lesson number 6.

we just have to face it

guys are stupid, girls are stupid

combined, no good can happen